Was there ever a moment 

Before the words left your mouth -

Flying like a flock of crows

Into cloudy grey skies

That you looked into my eyes 

And thought about the pain

That your words would paint 

Across my ocean.

 

Your letters huddle together 

Forming words that you wield 

Like invisible daggers 

Piercing the air

Leaving scars on my soul

But nobody knows they are there.

There is no stigma or glares

For the one who abuses 

But doesn’t leave bruises.

 

Maybe if I bled a little

Each time your words grazed my skin

Maybe if you had to watch me

Wash the blood away

Like scarlet paint 

Against, our white porcelain sink - 

If you had to witness my wounds slowly heal

Leaving scars that will forever bear your name -

If I had to wear sunglasses

To cover black eyes 

Caused by your whip-like, tongue 

Would you pause for second 

Realise that your words are a weapon

And you are at war

With a woman, wounded

Who has no strength to fight anymore.

 

Your curses are like a drone attack

Missiles, blowing craters into my body

Destroying land mass on impact

The kind of bombs that leaves the whole village homeless

And now I’m a refugee in my own body.

No longer at home 

In this abode of flesh and bones 

No place to call my own

No place of safety, nowhere to flee

I don’t even have the front door key

To me.

 

Do you know how it feels to look in the mirror 

And not recognise yourself 

Dark circles under my eyes

Like a dark blue lagoon at midnight

Sometimes, I wish the water would swallow me whole 

And wash away this pain.

No glow in my skin

No light in my eyes

I keep my voice quiet 

Trying not to incite.

You’ve called me so many names

I’ve forgotten mine

Suffocating in self hatred 

No connection to this body

That is supposed to be sacred

Seeking refuge in all the wrong places 

Seeking asylum from all the wrong faces.

Sometimes I wonder if a heavy hand upon my face

Would hurt less than this.

I wonder if you saw the consequence 

Of your actions 

Would you pause for a second 

Let me breathe for a moment 

Before cutting me open, like a C-section

With your acidic diction.

 

I’m learning to turn the volume down

When you embrace your dark side.

When he knocks the door

You always let him in

Sipping Gin with the devil 

Straight, no chaser - 

I can tell when he’s arrived 

By the look in your eyes 

And the gravel in your voice

And the venom in your spit

I know you will not be done 

Until you drag away my dignity 

And cast it into the ocean

Leaving a hollow shell

Where a queen used to be.

How does it make your feel

When you use your words to bring me to my knees

Slit my throat, but I can’t bleed

No hands around my neck

Yet, I cant’ breathe.

Your words cling to me 

Like cigarette smoke 

Leaving an odour that only I can smell.

 

Our mothers never told us

Some men will use words to cast spells

Curse us until we forget ourselves 

Causing more pain, than flames from hell

And I’m tied to a stake 

This fire’s burning my feet 

And there is smoke in my face -

Like those ancient women 

Who were feared by weak men 

Back when, they could see our power 

And knew they had to break us 

Back then, they called us witches

Now they call us bitches

Powerful women, with acute intuition

Had knowledge of the stars 

And the plant kingdom

These women gifted with visions 

Third eye open, they could heal what was broken 

With energy streaming from their hands 

Or with natural potions 

Crushed berries and herbs 

Incantations and sacred words

That we used to speak life into existence

We used to build nations with our tongues

And soothe cities with our songs

Soak our sons in the sacred waters 

Of our wombs, sing them tunes 

Under the moonlight 

Praying they would grow to be upright 

And some listened, but many didn’t 

Didn’t realise

That each times they curse their girlfriends or wives

They are cursing the women who gave them life

Poisoning the circle of life 

 

This letter is goodbye